We are constantly swapping stories about our feminist heroes. I'm strong and tough and muscular and leathery. Whenever any of us disagree, we simply whip out the measuring tape, and the longer man wins. I know it sounds arcane to those who've never been in a locker room, but this is the way it's been done for generations, ever since the locker room was invented by Nikola Tesla as a means of storing underpants in bulk. It's those boys I worry about. Too many people have leapt on the phrase "grab her pussy" and twisted it to mean something offensive. What I can't take is having my locker room taken away.
Every man remembers how, when he turns thirteen, the Male Elders of his community take him into the locker room, paint his face with the blood of a freshly-slaughtered eland, and force him to play a best-of-five-sets match of Testicle Tennis against the Lockerkeeper the mysterious masked man who lives in every locker room and distributes talcum powder when you least expect it. But when you're in the locker room, saying "grab her pussy" is the time-honoured way of demonstrating how much you respect a woman. If he can beat the Lockerkeeper, he is given a pair of barbecue tongs and permitted to handle various meats. Among the locker-room fraternity, a woman whose pussy you'll grab is a woman of value, a woman of substance. In the locker room we tell each other "I'd grab her pussy" the way that, outside the locker room, we would say, "I admire her fiercely independent spirit. Games that bond us together as men and teach us teamwork, perseverance, and motor skills. In fact, the most common topic of conversation in locker rooms is women whom we admire. Like for example, the other day I was in the locker room with some of my "bros", and I was telling them about my female co-workers. I know it sounds arcane to those who've never been in a locker room, but this is the way it's been done for generations, ever since the locker room was invented by Nikola Tesla as a means of storing underpants in bulk. If the lad can push the Lockerkeeper to five sets of TT, he is officially a Man and is allowed to wear Lynx. I can't take being robbed of those carefree hours spent banging the locker doors as loudly as we can in order to scare off the locker ghosts so we can begin our daily Man Meetings — serious discussions of masculine policy in which we decide the direction of manhood for that day. But that doesn't mean we're being disrespectful. Too many people have leapt on the phrase "grab her pussy" and twisted it to mean something offensive. Don't rob us of the camaraderie. Sadly, nowadays wording such a powerful statement in support of women's rights this way can easily get you labelled a "misogynist". Don't rob us of the security of our safe space. Don't rob us of the banter. It gets a little loose. It's true what they say: And all my bros understood what I was saying: If he is thrashed by the Lockerkeeper, he must remain a boy until his next birthday and spend the entire year serving the rest of the locker room cocktails and carpaccio. These are the games that teach us HOW to be men. Whenever any of us disagree, we simply whip out the measuring tape, and the longer man wins. It gets a little wild. I'm strong and tough and muscular and leathery.
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